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Well, after browsing through my old journal entries, I've decided that I'm going to try to update this journal regularly. But then again, there isn't really much point since nobody uses Live Journal anymore. At least nobody that I know. However, I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm pretty much just updating for myself anyway.

Oh, and I've also decided that I'm going to start trying to type up my dreams...Or at least try to. Interesting, isn't it? (Sarcasm) 

Well, I'll start this entry off with a rant. Here goes...

Sometimes I really hate how my family works. My Dad abused me in more ways then one as I grew up, and  once he found a new quotewomanunquote after my mom died, he let her do the same thing. So after he kicked me out I pretty much just shut him out of my life. Now that I live with my brother Brad and my sister 'n law Jennifer, I've asked them, nay, begged them to not let him come over. Well, sadly, that kinda blew up in my face. Brad, doesn't want my other brother Matt to come over. Nor does he want me to tell him where we live. Also, Jennifer seems to dislike Ryan as well, so he's not allowed over. ALSO, I'm not allowed to go to Jennifer's family outings because her side of the family doesn't seem to like "in laws" so I'm automatically the enemy. I feel left out, and lonely, but at the same time I don't really want to go anyway. Her family is kinda judgmental.. I'm not saying my family isn't perfect either, but you know. I just hate how I'm restricted to who I can and can't invite over. However... It isn't my house. I can't make the rules.

So anyway...

Me, my brother, and sister 'n law were renting a house in Mesa that is owned by my brother's mother. (He's my half brother, we didn't come from the same mom.) Anyway, his mother had to file for bankruptcy and told us that she isn't going to make payments on the house we were living in anymore because she can no longer afford it. So we had to move before the bank came by posting overdue payment notices on our doors and windows... It's worrying me considering that we're really poor. Plus my sister 'n law has to quit her job in order to go back to school full time during the summer. Meaning my brother has to get a second job, and if I don't find a job soon... then all I am ... is nothing more then a worthless waste of space. We found a home in Scottsdale, a decent one, and we moved in within' two or so weeks in the month of March... So far so good, I guess....? 

I miss Andy. Whenever I see Brad and Jen hug, kiss, cuddle, whatever, I just feel so empty.... I hate emotions.


I went to a website that matches you (depending on the picture you upload) to a celebrity look alike. They give you I think 9 or 10 matches and I KID YOU NOT, one of them was Weird Al! I thought it was hilarious, so I chose to option to morph my face into his. What do you think? Separated at birth? xD

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Family tree software - Free family history

Its that time of year again...

And guess what? I got my favorite thing!

Disappointment! :D

Every year for Christmas, all the relatives go over to Grandpa's house. With help from my uncles, Grandpa cooks us all a great breakfast. (French toast, pancakes, eggs, ham...) My Grandma owns a set of "The 12 days of Christmas" glasses, so we all sing 12 days of Christmas together during breakfast. After breakfast we open presents everybody got each other, and have a merry time during Christmas. All together about 10 - 15 people are there. Its been a tradition for as long as I can remember. Its the only reason I look forward to Christmas each year.

Well, its not happening this year. My Grandma got injured. Grandpa says with her Alzheimer's, and her injury, and the fact that he needs to get everything ready, it is just to much. Even though family members have offered to help. Today I think he is home alone. Grandma was suppose to be released a few days prior to Christmas, but I guess that didn't happen. I use to live with him, and I feel guilty that I moved out. (I moved out in late August of this year.) I feel like I could have helped...

Not only that, but I feel totally unwanted, and lonely. Jen and Brad (My sister 'n law, and my brother whom I live with) went to my fathers house today. Even though I hate him, and his stupid mental case of a wife, I meekly asked to go, just so I could maybe get out of the house, but Jen reminded me that Chad's wife would have a fit if I was there. So I stayed home, waited for them to get back, then watched them leave again to go spend Christmas with Jen's side of the family. I watch them come home with gifts that were wrapped up in wrapping paper, and show show me cool things they got. Chad got Brad a expensive camera, and Brads mom got him a Ipod Nano. Jen got some lotions, perfumes, and gift cards wrapped up nicely in boxes. So far all I got is two envelopes... One is from one of four brothers, and the other is from daddy dearest. And knowing them both, it's only a 10 gift card to somewhere I don't even shop. I love it how my daddy spends more on my brothers then he does me. :) 

.... I guess I sound a little selfish. Christmas just isn't about presents, its about spending time with family. *Slams her face on the keyboard* LJKIFEBGRLKNa;oliq;oionw! ..... But I don't get to see them this year, I'm stuck at home, and to think, when I woke up this morning, for a breif second, I thought I was a kid again, and in my head I thought "*GASP!* It's Christmas! Gifts with the family, then off to Grandpas!" .... No, not anymore. This is part of life, and it hurts, but I'll have to quit my fucking bitching and get the fuck over it.

........I'm gonna go cut myself now. =/

I'm just kidding, I would never, I'm to much of a pussy. :P


My emotions... My confusion....

I'm in Virginia right now, and I told myself I was going to try to post everyday in my livejournal and take lots of pictures while I am here so that I can remember every moment I have with Andy. Well I've been here for about eleven days and I haven't posted in my journal at all nor have I taken as many pictures as I would like. My emotions have been really fucking with me. It's like, one moment I feel like I love Andy more then anything, and then the next, I feel conflicted weather or not I "really" love him, or if I'm just staying with him because I don't want to be alone. Sometimes when I look into the future, Andy isn't a part of it. It's just me, myself, and I.

I sit and try to figure out why I feel like this. I end up over analyzing it, and I end up frustrated or worried. I HATE flying in planes, so I think maybe once we live together I'll be more confident in our relationship, but then I ask myself "what if you move in together and it turns into a disaster? Then what the fuck are you going to do?" Then I think maybe it's because I don't feel confident in myself, nor do I feel like I "love" myself and therefore cannot love other people until I do.

And my thoughts just go on and on and on and on. Its like I go through like all these thoughts at once and it feels like an uncomfortable brain rush. *Slams her face on her keyboard*


I just don't know anymore... I want to figure out what's going on, but every time I try I just get emotional. It fucking sucks...




I'm so frustrated that I could scream!!!! 

I've been filling out application after application for jobs around my area with no luck. Not even a fucking call back. So I'm like "fuck it, I'm going to look at internet jobs." 

So I do, I go to http://hotjobs.yahoo.com/ to see if there is any work at home jobs, and OH MY GOD, I SWEAR, half of the "Help wanted" descriptions were only fucking advertisements claiming you can work from home and make thousands, oh but wait, you have to give us money before that can happen. :)

Is there such a thing as working home and EARNING money instead of GIVING it?!?! JEEZE!!! I don't have anything to give at this point. It makes me so fucking aggravated! I only found a few jobs that look legit, but other then that, its always some survey, or some money making kit bullshit.

Arrrgh... I just want a job. I want to work from home. But apparently there is so such thing.



Holy fuck balls.

So how long has it been since I used my Journal? I'll tell you. A LONG TIME! I guess I'll try to update more often now, but then again all my 'friends' on this site have pretty much fled. *Shrugs* Whatever...

A lot has happened. I have moved out of my Grandparents house and moved into my Brother and Sister 'n laws house. I left because my Grandma's Alzheimer's wasn't getting any better. She was annoying the fuck out of me. Plus she's sucking up money like air. I felt kind of guilty that my Grandfather was paying for me to live while also paying for Grandma's teeth, medicine, doctor appointments, etc. After I don't know how many years my brother agrees to let me move in to their little ghetto house in Mesa. I left because my Grandfather cannot take the time to teach me what my biological Father was suppose to. Like how to pay taxes, how to pay bills, how to drive, etc. Plus Grandma needs him.

My job apparently caught me sitting down (not suppose to do that at Walgreens I guess) and told me because of this act, they refuse to transfer me to another store after I move. My boss says something about almost having to fire me, but all I said was "Oh no. My bad. Sorry." And walked out of the office. I am somewhat thankful they let me keep my job until I moved away. (10 hours a week is better then no hours a week, I guess...) But then again, really? You "almost" had to fire me because I was sitting down? Fucking stupid. I was telling costumers I knew pretty well I was moving away and told them the reason and they looked at me strange and would say shit like "Wouldn't it be easier for you just to stay with your Grandpa? That way you can help him take care of your Grandma."

Uh... WTF? It isn't my responsibility to take care of my Grandma when I don't even have my feet on the ground yet. How the hell does that make sense? It shouldn't be the Grandchildren taking care of the Grandparents, it should be the Children of the Grandparents taking care of them! They already have their feet on the ground, and they have gone through half of their life. I haven't yet. I had to take care of my fucking Mom until she died, I don't want to go through that again with my Grandma.

So I pack my stuff and I leave. I come to my new home. I have a little over a thousand dollars, thinking that will hold me over for a little bit until I find a new job. Nope. Here I am, jobless, and all my money is pretty much gone. I don't think it's even been a month yet! I'm terrified of getting a new job, but I'm also terrified of not getting a new job. Plus recently I feel kinda like my Brother and Sister 'n law have been taking advantage of me. I see ants outside near the laundry room, so I offer to buy some ant poison. They say they need laundry detergent, so I offer to buy them that as well. Then she starts making a shopping list and I think "Oh ok. They need to get other things too." But on the way there my Sister 'n law says something to the extent of "we can take this out of your rent." ...Wait, what? She wants me to buy everything on the list? ... When did I agree to buy EVERYTHING? By the time I got what I needed and she got what she needed, my last paycheck was gone.  The day before I had bought us both a Cosco membership. We went to mainly shop for me, but being the nice person I am (or maybe just an idiot) I offered to get her a few things too.

Maybe their not taking advantage of me at all. Maybe I'm just to nice. But even after buying them what they need, taking them out to dinner a few times, and cleaning their house a little, I still feel guilty that I don't have a job yet. I feel depressed and I feel like a waste of space. I search the net for easy ways to make money, but I can't find shit.

Sometimes I feel like maybe it would have just been better if I stayed with Grandpa, but if I did that I wouldn't have a job either way. I'm so frustrated... I'm so mad at myself... I don't know what to do anymore.


I’m at the library and there is a dude sitting next to me that smells like sweaty pubic hair.




Anyway, I’ve been doing okay. As for my depression, it’s been under control for almost three months. However, I feel if I’m put in a different environment that I get depressed and panicky really easily. I house-sat for someone back in April, and I was all by myself and I was bailing depressed. I helped someone move and I spend the night there and I felt like shit. But as much as I hate being home, that’s the least place I feel depressed. Back in March, when I saw my boyfriend Andy, I got depressed there too! Which really pisses me off, because I only get to see him twice a year and I shouldn’t be getting depressed when I’m suppose to be happy. It sucks. Nine more days, I get to see Andy for 18 days! I hope my chemical imbalance or whatever doesn’t act up while I’m there.


So, my Grandma’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse. Yesterday she woke up, got dressed, and I guess she fell back asleep. When she woke up, she asked me why she was dressed. She didn’t remember that she was up earlier that morning. It’s sad. What’s even sadder is that I don’t care. …. Well, I do care. I’m just not very tolerant. I honestly think she needs to be in a home. Grandpa is never home to take care of her, and I don’t think it’s fair for me to have to tend to her needs 24/7. I did that with my Mom before she died, and I don’t want to do it again.


Well, money is tight. I picked up a lot of extra hours the last few weeks, and I was surprised when I saw my check was only 30 dollars more. I was hoping for extra money when I go to see Andy, I guess not. Maybe the extra money is on the next check, but that doesn’t do me any good. I wont be in town next week to receive it. It sucks. And I still need to spend a lot of money to get ready… More minutes for my phone, get my nails done, travel sized stuff, Andy’s birthday present. *Sighs* …. I just hope I’ll have enough to have fun when I get down there. Andy has money issues too and the last thing I want is to have him spend all of it on me, no matter WHAT he says.


Anyway, my PC time is up, see ya.





Andy came and saw me the other week. Well, his mom and step dad were planning to come to Arizona for some sort of family reunion. Since I live here they dragged me along so Andy and I could see each other. They picked me up and we all drove to Surprise where we stayed at the Hampton Suits. We all started off being in the same room, but the next day Andy’s mom got Andy and I our own room. So that was fucking awesome to have alone time without interruptions. We had a blast, but we couldn’t really go anywhere… No car. But there was a pool and hot tub downstairs. Plus a Denny’s across the street. We found ways to entertain ourselves. Then he had to go, we only got to see each other for four days, but better four days then no days. I still miss him though.


We’re planning to see each other again in October. We’ll see what happens.


I don’t feel like typing anything else… Typing with fake nails is a bitch.

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Fly away

So, I got a bird from my Sister ‘n Laws mother. She named him Gabby, but I renamed him Chuck. Then I realized I now had four birds. So, I decided to get rid of Walker and Sassy. A friend of mine found someone on Craigslist.com who said she had a bird sanctuary and would take unwanted birds. So, I gave them to her. And I cried. Like a little girl. But I guess taking care of Chuck and Ricky will be easier now that I only have two birds.


I bought myself a real journal. The one’s that you write in? Yeah… Now I can talk about all the sex, drinking, and feelings I have without people getting pissed off at me. But I haven’t been writing in it lately, I actually haven’t been feeling depressed like I usually do. I stopped taking my Prozac just after I saw Andy, and I was depressed for awhile. But everything seems to be calming down. Lets hope it stays that way. I don’t want to take pills for the rest of my life.


Little things trigger off depression. Like if I’m talking to someone, and they don’t say what I expect them to say… Yeah… It sucks.

... Yeah. And like I promised, -